David... Dead-beat Dad?
by Jed Koep, correspondance student
from May 2010 Issue of the Philogian

King David is one of the most celebrated characters in the Old Testament.  He had great success in battle and in uniting Israel.  David the father however, was another story.  While it is obvious that David loved his children very much, his failure to properly discipline them was a huge problem in his life that lead to a lot of trouble for everyone.

I started to notice David’s lack of interest in disciplining his children during the story of Amnon and Tamar.  David’s son Amnon had become infatuated with his half-sister Tamar, and with the help of his friend Jonadab he comes up with a plan to rape her.  Amnon pretends to be sick and asks his father to send Tamar to him to prepare him some food.  When she does he sends everyone else away and rapes her.  “When David heard all this he was furious” (2 Sam 13:21).  David obviously knew what happened and did not approve, but we do not read anywhere that he does anything about it.  Although this act was clearly a violation of the law, “Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere” (Lev 18:9), David shirked his responsibility as a father by not punishing his son for this offence.  We don’t even read that David rebuked his son for this.  Perhaps David’s own sin with Bathsheba made him feel like he would be a hypocrite if he said or did anything about Amnon.

Absalom, another son of David and Tamar’s full brother, was understandably not very happy about what Amnon had done.  “Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar” (2 Sam 13:22).    Absalom waited two years before he decided to get his revenge on Amnon.  I wondered why Absalom waited so long; Amnon was clearly in the wrong and deserved punishment and Absalom “hated” him.  Perhaps Absalom was waiting for his father to step up and take some kind of action in this situation.  When David refused to take action Absalom decided to take matters into his own hands.  He invited his half-brother to a party and had his men kill him while he was there.  After the murder, Absalom fled and stayed away for three years.  David again did nothing to bring Absalom to justice.  Amnon’s murder went unpunished.  I believe David’s own guilt over his murder of Uriah stopped him from doing anything about Absalom.  David’s failure to discipline his children is snowballing into an ever-increasing problem. 

At the prodding of Joab David brought Absalom back to Jerusalem.  He made him go to his own house though and he could not see his father the king.  I think David is trying to avoid a conflict here; he is torn between his love for his son and his anger about his actions and does not want to have a confrontation with his son.  After two years Absalom gets fed up with waiting for his dad to either punish him or forgive him.  He sends for Joab.  “Absalom said to Joab, ‘Look, I sent word to you so I can send you to the king to ask, “Why have I come from Geshur?  It would be better for me if I were still there!”  Now then I want to see the kings face, and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death.’” (2 Sam 14:32)  Absalom was demanding both a pardon and restoration to his position as next in line for the throne of Israel, or to be executed.  Absalom showed no sign of repentance for the murder of his brother.  He put the situation into the hands of his father.  David forgives his son, effectively sidestepping justice.  Absalom has now watched his father completely ignore justice on two occasions and begins to plot against the king.

Absalom, who was next in line to be king anyway, began to get impatient and he decided that his father’s leniency with justice was a weakness that he could exploit.  Absalom would hang out near the city gate and intercept people who were bringing complaints to the king.  “Then Absalom would say to him, ‘Look, your claims are valid and proper, but there is no representative of the king to hear you.’  And Absalom would add, ‘If only I were appointed judge in the land!  Then everyone who has a complaint or case could come to me and I would see that he gets justice’” (2 Sam 15:3-4).  Absalom was acting like a shrewd politician.  He told people that their complaint was valid with out investigating it so that they would feel like he was on their side.  He would tell them that the king had no one to see them, which may or may not have been true.  This made them believe that the king was not interested in justice for their case.  He did this for four years; in this way Absalom “stole the hearts” of the Israelites.  There is no doubt in my mind that at some point during those four years people told David what his son was up to.  If he had acted right away David could have put a stop to what Absalom was doing and saved himself a lot of trouble later.  Again David failed to discipline his son and Absalom’s conspiracy turned into a full-blown rebellion. 

Absalom left for Hebron and gained more support for his rebellion.  When David found out about this he decided to flee Jerusalem.  “Then David said to all his officials who were with him in Jerusalem, ‘Come!  We must flee, or none of us will escape from Absalom.  We must leave immediately or he will move quickly to overtake us and bring ruin upon us and put the city to the sword’” (2 Sam 15:14).  I believe that besides tying to protect the city and its people from Absalom, David wanted to again avoid a confrontation between himself and his son.  Absalom then returned to Jerusalem to take over his father’s home and at the advice of Ahithophel, Absalom slept with his father’s concubines.  In this way Absalom made the statement that he was king and not David.  Eventually Absalom’s men and David’s men met each other in battle.  As his men marched out David gave them one instruction: “The king commanded Joab, Abiashi and Ittai, ‘Be gentle with the young man Absalom for my sake.’  And all the troops heard the king giving orders concerning Absalom to each of the commanders” (2 Sam 18:5).  But when Absalom got caught in a tree, Joab killed him anyway.  Joab decided as a “right hand man” to do what he thought was best, as opposed to what David had ordered.  It seems David’s leniency may have given Joab the idea that he did not necessarily have to follow the king’s orders either. 

Although David failed to discipline his children it is clear that he loved them very much.  When he heard about Amnon’s death he wept bitterly; when Absalom had fled after murdering his brother, the king “longed to go to Absalom”.  Even though Absalom had disrespected his father in just about every possible way and was trying to overthrow his kingdom, David still ordered his troops not to kill him.  And after the death of Absalom, “The king was shaken.  He went up to the room over the gateway and wept as he went, he said: ‘O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom!  If only I had died instead of you – O Absalom, my son, my son’” (2 Sam 18:33).  No matter what they did David’s love for his children was unfailing.

Unfortunately for David, loving your children deeply is not enough.  A father has to be willing to discipline his children.  By depriving his children of discipline and justice, David failed to build a relationship with them that they could use as a model for their relationship with God the father.  David himself loved the Lord immensely.  When Nathan confronted him about his sin David repented: “Then David said to Nathan ‘I have sinned against the Lord’” (2 Sam 12:13).  When Absalom was trying to take his kingdom he was willing to leave the matter in God’s hands: “But if he says ‘I am not pleased with you,’ then I am ready; let him do to me whatever seems good to him” (2 Sam 15:26).  But because he failed to discipline them, his children did not learn about repentance, justice and faith from their father.  They learned that if they wanted justice they needed to take the matter into their own hands.  They learned that there would be no consequences for their sins.  Because of his guilt concerning his own sin with Uriah and Bathsheba, David was left unable to properly handle the rebellious behavior of his children.  By not holding his children accountable for their actions David lost their respect, which led directly to Absalom’s rebellion and death.

In this study I learned the importance of disciplining my children.  They need to know that I not only love them but that I also care about what they do.  I learned that if I do not discipline my children I will lose their respect.  I need to be willing to have those tough confrontations and conversations with them so that they can learn right from wrong.  I learned that shielding them from justice only causes more problems down the line.  I need to do all of these things in order to help my children to build a relationship with God.  This is probably my most important job as a father.

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